weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Randomize
