i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize