Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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