It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
