Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
