This is not my ceiling
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
