Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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