I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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