i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
