why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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