I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
