i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I'm determined to sit on that face.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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