why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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