theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
