Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
