My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
