what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
