Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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