If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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