So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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