People with herpes should wear stickers.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
