i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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