why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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