My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
