Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
