I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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