i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
