I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Randomize
