just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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