I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
