What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Randomize
