This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
How does one acquire holy water?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
