My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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