im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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