peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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