I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
