I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
