I just pynch a tree in the face
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
