I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
