Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
