I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Randomize
