we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
what day is it and did you see me today?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
