You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
