The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
