just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
