My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
