Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
She even gives head with a lisp.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
