Cold hands, warm shart.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
