i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
