Are we in a gay sports bar?
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
