I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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