Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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