One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
