Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
