Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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