I wish I could punch you in the face.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
