I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
