Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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