just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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