I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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